I’m already halfway into “sorry” when I notice it. That’s why you should read this. You’ll leave able to name the pattern you’re in (the sorry reflex), understand the flip that changes what you say next (harm versus discomfort), and reach a decision point you can use in real conversations when you feel yourself shrinking. That’s the intent. Not to turn you into a different kind of person, but to give you something that holds up in the messy half-second before you smooth everything over.
Most writing about over-apologizing misses that half-second. It either celebrates apologizing as “being nice” or scolds it as “lack of confidence.” Neither fits what I’ve watched over time in families, relationships, and workplace communication. People don’t apologize too much because they don’t know better. They apologize too much because it has worked. It reduces tension. It prevents conflict. It buys safety. Until it doesn’t.
Core question: Should I apologize to keep the peace? Or speak up and keep my self-respect?
It doesn’t feel like a major choice. It feels like a sentence choice.
But it stacks. In families, it stacks into roles. The one who is “easy.” The one who “doesn’t make things hard.” In romantic relationships, it stacks into resentment you can’t explain because you keep volunteering to be smaller. In friendships, it stacks into quiet tests. Who can say no without being punished? In work, it stacks into who gets the extra tasks, who is treated as optional, and who is always “fine.”
Apologize to keep the peace, and you often get immediate calm. You also sometimes teach people that your comfort is negotiable. Speak up and keep your self-respect,t and you risk friction. Sometimes real friction. But you also give everyone clean information about you. Where your time ends. Where your consent begins. Where your feelings are allowed to exist without a pre-apology.
That’s the struggle. The transformation is not dramatic. It’s often one sentence. Then a pause you do not fill.
The one idea that changes everything: The “Harm Test.”
I used to treat “I’m sorry” as a default repair tool. And I still think apologies matter. I remember reading Forster and colleagues in 2021 and feeling relieved because it fit what I see: apologies can make forgiveness more likely, partly because they communicate something like “you matter to me.” Not in those exact words. More like, “I still want this relationship, even after what happened.”
Then I kept seeing the other kind of apology. The one that isn’trepairedr. It’s sedation. It’s atmosphere control. It’s not “I did wrong.” It’s “please don’t be mad.”
Gao and colleagues in 2022 wrote about trust repair, and the details loosely stuck with me: the medium can matter, and the kind of violation can matter, competence versus integrity. I don’t carry it as a set of rules. I carry it as permission to be honest about what apologies are. They’re instruments. They can heal. They can also perform. They can also hide.
So I started using a blunt filter. Not elegant. Just usable.
The Harm Test (simple definition)
Only apologize when you caused harm, violated respect, or broke an agreement.
If you didn’t cause harm, don’t apologize. Communicate clearly.
This is not perfect. “Harm” is not always obvious. I’ve seen people deny harm because admitting harm would require them to change. I’ve also seen people label discomfort as harm because discomfort feels like danger to their nervous system. Sometimes they overlap. Sometimes they don’t. Still, the Harm Test interrupts the reflex better than anything else I’ve tried.
Unnecessary apology (definition): saying “sorry” when you didn’t do something wrong, usually to avoid tension, rejection, or judgment.
Healthy apology (definition): taking responsibility when your actions caused harm, disrespect, or a broken commitment.
That’s the flip. Harm versus discomfort. It’s not glamorous. It’s practical.
For example, if you’re wondering whether you should apologize just to calm someone down, that’s usually the moment when saying sorry can do more harm than good.
Why over-apologizing happens (even to capable, self-aware people)
This pattern shows up in people who are competent, warm, and socially aware. Often, the ones who can read a room in a second. Smooth has been a survival skill.
These are the clusters I keep seeing:
- People-pleasing (staying likable to stay safe)
- Conflict avoidance (ending tension quickly)
- Fear of rejection (preventing disapproval)
- Childhood conditioning (peace mattered more than honesty)
- Workplace politeness pressure (especially in power dynamics)
- Social anxiety (trying to control how others feel)
A lot of this also overlaps with attachment style and why it affects your relationships, especially when safety and closeness get tangled together.
There’s also a social tradeoff that isn’t talked about cleanly. Schumann and Ross in 2010 found gender differences in apologizing linked to different thresholds for what counts as offensive. The threshold idea matters to me because it moves the story away from “something is wrong with me” and toward “I’m labeling more moments as apology-worthy.”
Then, Schumann, Ritchie, and Forest in 2023 looked at frequent versus infrequent apologizers and how they’re perceived. The tradeoff stuck with me: frequent apologizers can come across warmer, even more moral in some contexts, and also less agentic. Less force. Less authority. So yes, apologizing can buy warmth. It can also quietly sell off power.
I’m not saying warmth is bad. I’m sayin,g notice the price. Some people pay it without realizing they are paying it.
Where these “no-apology” moments come from (source and context)
The eight categories below are drawn from Lachlan Brown’s article, “8 things you should never apologize for, no matter what anyone says,” published January 10, 20,26 on Silicon Canals.
I’m keeping those eight categories intact because they’re a clean scaffold. The difference is I’m treating them like real moments instead of slogans. The “wow” text. The clipped “okay.” The family member who goes quiet. The coworker who says “just this once.” The partner who calls you sensitive. That’s where restop-over-apologizing actually lives.
A quick self-check: Are you apologizing… or shrinking?
Some apologies are repairable. Some are atmosphere control.
These lines are common tells:
- “Sorry, I just wanted to ask…”
- “Sorry, I’m probably being annoying.”
- “Sorry for bothering you.”
- “Sorry, I can’t, I feel bad.”
- “Sorry, I’m like this.”
I’m not banning these. I’m tracking them. Because once you notice them, you can choose. That’s the gentle reframe: you’re not rude for stopping. You’re stepping out of a habit that has been doing a job for you. The job was safe.
The 8 things you should never apologize for (and what to say instead)
These eight points match the Silicon Canals list from Lachlan Brown (2026). What follows is the lived version. The relationship version. The family version. The workplace version. The part where your body wants to flinch, and your mouth wants to soften.
1) Setting boundaries with toxic people
What Lachlan Brown said in 2026: You should not apologize for setting boundaries with toxic people.
The psychology behind it
Boundaries are information. For someone who respects you, information helps. For someone who benefits from your confusion, information threatens their access.
This might show up with a friend who only calls when they need something. Or a family member who escalates when you don’t reply immediately. Or a coworker who treats your time like a shared resource.
This line keeps proving itself in my notes:
The people who dislike your boundaries the most are often the people who needed you to have none.
I remember an American Psychological Association piece dated July 2, 202,5 about better boundaries in clinical practice. It’s written for clinicians, but the logic travels. Set expectations early,y or they get set for you. Leaky boundaries turn into burnout.
Why it matters in relationships
Apologizing while setting a boundary turns the boundary into a request. It signals negotiability.
What to say instead (boundary scripts)
- “I’m not available for that.”
- “That doesn’t work for me.”
- “I’m keeping my boundary.”
- “I can continue this conversation when it’s respectful.”
Real-life example (workplace communication)
A coworker messages repeatedly after hours. You finally say: “I respond during business hours.”
They reply: “Wow. Didn’t realize you were like that.”
Old pattern: “Sorry, I just…” and then you explain your whole evening.
Different pattern: “Yes. During business hours.”
People ask, “But what if they think I’m difficult?” They might. I don’t love that answer. But I’ve also watched people trade away years of evenings to avoid being called difficult once.
Sometimes over-apologizing is paired with pulling away later, and avoidant attachment can make closeness feel like pressure instead of comfort.
2) Your past mistakes (after you’ve repaired and grown)
What Lachlan Brown said in 2026: Don’t keep apologizing for past mistakes once you’ve learned and grown.
The psychology behind it
People confuse growth with penance. It can look like integrity. It can also be fear. Or shame. Or a way to keep the other person calm.
Mu’s 2019 work on apology motives is useful here. Different motives, different outcomes. Some apologies repair. Some are escaping. Some are self-blaming. You can feel the difference in the room.
Why it matters in romantic and family dynamics
If your repaired mistake becomes a lever, you end up living in a defensive crouch. It’s hard to build intimacy from there.
What to say instead
- “I’ve taken responsibility for that and changed my behavior.”
- “I’m open to discussing how we move forward, not re-living the past.”
- “Do you want repair, or do you want control?”
Real-life example (relationship)
A partner keeps bringing up an old argument even after you changed your behavior. You keep apologizing. You feel smaller each time.
The sentence that shifts the pattern is uncomfortable:
“I understand that hurt you. I’m committed to doing better. But I won’t keep apologizing forever for the same repaired moment.”
Sometimes they get quiet. Sometimes they get angrier. Either way, you learn what the apology was doing in the relationship.
3) Saying “no” without a detailed explanation
What Lachlan Brown said in 2026: “No” is a complete response. You don’t owe a long explanation.
The psychology behind it
Over-explaining is often a safety behavior. Your brain tries to pre-empt punishment.
I’ve tested this with people in low-stakes situations first. Declining a non-urgent request. Turning down an invite. Not giving the whole backstory. The discomfort spikes. Then it drops. That curve matters. It teaches the body that disappointment is not the same thing as danger.
Why it matters professionally
In workplaces, long explanations create openings. People hear wiggle room. They hear negotiation.
What to say instead (short and confident)
- “No, I can’t.”
- “I’m not available for that.”
- “I can’t take this on right now.”
- “If that’s urgent, we’ll need to reprioritize something else.”
This shows up with people who quietly believe: “If I don’t explain, I’m a bad person.” That belief fuels the over-apologizing habit.
4) Your success and accomplishments
What Lachlan Brown said in 2026: Don’t apologize for your success or make yourself smaller to keep others comfortable.
The psychology behind it
Downplaying success is often social self-defense. If I celebrate, will I be punished? If I speak confidently, will I be disliked?
Schumann, Ritchie, and Forest (2023) keep echoing here. Warmth versus agency. People want both. Many feel they have to choose.
Why it matters in career and confidence
If you keep sanding down your wins, people stop seeing the edges of your competence. Then you wonder why you’re overlooked. Or why your work is treated like luck.
What to say instead
- “Thank you. I worked hard on it.”
- “I’m proud of that result.”
- “I appreciate you noticing.”
Real-life example (friendship)
You share good news. A friend says, “Must be nice.”
Old pattern: “Sorry. I didn’t mean to brag.”
Different pattern: “I’m excited, and I’d love your support.”
This one gets messy fast. Sometimes the friend is just tired. Sometimes it’s envy. Sometimes it’s a test to see if you’ll shrink. I don’t always know in the moment. I watch what happens next.
5) Taking time for yourself
What Lachlan Brown said in 2026: You shouldn’t apologize for taking time for yourself.
The psychology behind it
If your worth is tied to usefulness, rest can feel likea threat. People call it guilt, but it behaves like danger.
That APA piece dated July 2, 2025, was about clinical practice, but it maps to ordinary life. When expectations are unclear, you lose time. When you lose time, you resent people you love. Then you apologize for being irritable. Then you keep losing time. Loop.
Why it matters for mental health
When you don’t rest, you don’t just get tired. You get thinner. Less patient. Less present.
What to say instead
- “I’m taking a quiet weekend.”
- “I’m offline today to recharge.”
- “I’ll reply tomorrow.”
Real-life example (family boundaries)
Someone says, “So you’re too busy for us now?”
Instead of apologizing for rest, reassurance without surrender:
“I love you. I’m resting today. Let’s talk tomorrow evening.”
That line often feels selfish to the person saying it. It rarely sounds selfish to an outside observer.
6) Your feelings and emotions
What Lachlan Brown said in 2026: Don’t apologize for having emotions.
The psychology behind it
People apologize for their feelings when they learned feelings create conflict. So they neutralize themselves first.
The Forster et al. (2021) work on forgiveness and relationship value makes me think about how often people apologize to signal “please don’t leave,” not “I did wrong.” That difference matters. It changes what you ask for next.
Why it matters in communication
Feelings are information. Apologizing for them can turn them into something shameful. Then they come out sideways.
What to say instead
- “I feel hurt, and I want to talk about it calmly.”
- “This matters to me.”
- “I’m not attacking you. I’m explaining impact.”
Real-life example (romantic conflict)
You say: “That hurt.” They reply: “You’re too sensitive.”
A steadier response:
“I’m sharing impact. If we want closeness, we address impact, not dismiss it.”
Sometimes that ends the conversation. Sometimes it begins one.
This might show up as over-apologizing in romantic relationships, especially if anxious attachment has trained you to monitor distance and repair the mood fast.
7) Your life choices
What Lachlan Brown said in 2026: You don’t need to apologize for your life choices.
The psychology behind it
Belonging is a force. People trade a lot for it.
This might show up with career choices, relationship timelines, where you live, whether you have kids, or whether you don’t. People act like they’re asking questions. Often, they’re applying pressure.
Why it matters
When you apologize for your choices, you hand over authorship. You end up living as a committee.
What to say instead
- “I’m comfortable with my decision.”
- “I’m not looking for feedback on that.”
- “Different choices work for different people.”
Real-life example (career path pressure)
“When are you going to do something stable?”
Warm, firm:
“I hear your concern. I’m choosing this deliberately.”
Not a debate invitation. A statement.
8) Changing your mind
What Lachlan Brown said in 2026: Don’t apologize for changing your mind. Growth is allowed.
The psychology behind it
Some people interpret change as betrayal. They preferred the old contract. The old you. Predictably you.
I’ve seen this in friend groups where one person stops drinking, stops gossiping, stops overworking. The group says, “You changed,” like it’s an accusation.
Why it matters for personal growth
If you apologize for evolving, you keep yourself stuck to protect others from adjusting.
What to say instead
- “I learned more, so I updated my view.”
- “That used to fit me. It doesn’t anymore.”
- “I respect that this surprises you.”
Real-life example (friend group shift)
“You’ve changed.”
“Yes. I did.”
That line is not always safe to say. It depends on the room. But it clarifies the contract fast.
Saying sorry vs not saying sorry: the healthiest conversational pattern
People often swing too far. Either never apologize, or apologize for breathing. Neither works.
When you SHOULD apologize (healthy apology)
Apologize when you:
- harmed someone
- violated a boundary
- broke a commitment
- spoke disrespectfully
- made a mistake that affected others
A healthy apology includes responsibility, impact, and repair.
“I was wrong. I understand the impact. Here’s how I’ll prevent it next time.”
Yuan’s 2017 meta-analysis on apology and trust repair is older now, but it still shows up for a reason. Apologies tend to help, with caveats. And the caveats matter.
Gao et al. (2022) is one reminder: context matters. Even the medium can matter.
Schumann, Ritchie, and Forest (2023) complicates it again: baseline frequency changes how apologies are interpreted. If you apologize for everything, the signal gets diluted.
I still believe a real apology matters, and I’ve written more about how a small word can heal big hurts when it includes responsibility, impact, and repair.
When you should NOT apologize (unnecessary apology)
Don’t apologize when you:
- set a boundary
- say no
- Take time for yourself
- feel emotions
- succeed
- make personal life choices
- change your mind
- grow from the past
Do not apologize for having needs, boundaries, or feelings.
People worry, “What if I’m missing something and I actually did harm?” That happens. I’ve been wrong about my own Harm Test calls. So I keep it revisable. If new information comes in, you can apologize later. A delayed apology is still an apology.
What to say instead of “sorry” (quick swaps that change everything)
These swaps keep warmth while removing self-blame. They feel unnatural at first. That’s part of it.
- “Sorry, I’m late.” → “Thank you for waiting.”
- “Sorry to bother you.u” → “Do you have a moment?”
- “Sorry, I just wanted to ask…” → “Quick question.”
- “Sorry, I can’t.” → “I’m not available.”
- “Sorry, I’m emotional. al” → “This matters to me.”
For example, this could apply to a manager pinging you at 9 p.m. You can say: “I’ll look at this tomorrow morning.” No apology. No backstory. Just time boundaries. And then you watch what happens.
Main takeaway: You can be kind without apologizing for your existence
The takeaway is not “stop apologizing.” It’s “stop over-apologizing.”
Stop using apologies to purchase safety.
Run the Harm Test.
If harm happened, apologize fully and repair.
If harm didn’t happen, communicate clearly.
The decision point is usually one sentence. And a pause you don’t fill.
If you’re trying to picture what the healthier version looks like day-to-day, secure attachment in relationships is usually quieter than people expect, but it’s steady.
Quick FAQ (questions people ask)
Often, because apologizing feels like the quickest way to reduce tension, avoid disapproval, or keepa connection. In some families and workplaces, it becomes a habit that keeps you out of trouble until you’re paying for it everywhere else.
It can be. Schumann, Ritchie, and Forest (2023) suggests frequent apologizing can increase perceptions of warmth but decrease perceptions of agency. In some relationships and workplaces, that tradeoff matters.
Replace “sorry” with clear, neutral language. “Thank you for waiting.” “I’m not available.” “That doesn’t work for me.” Keep your tone steady. Don’t over-explain.
When you caused harm, violated trust, broke a commitment, or acted disrespectfully. Apologies are a repair tool. Forster and colleagues (2021) and related forgiveness work suggest apologies can function as meaningful signals when they convey value and responsibility.
Actionable takeaways (start today)
- Track your “sorry” for 24 hours. Notice patterns.
- Replace 30% of apologies with “thank you.”
- Use one boundary sentence and stop. No defending. No debating.
- Practice warm directness. Calm tone, clear words, no guilt performance.
- Apologize with integrity, not reflex. Harm plus repair equals real accountability.
Sometimes it helps to pick one place to practice first. A low-stakes text message. A small “no.” One swap. Your body learns faster than your beliefs do. And then you notice you’re waiting for backlash that never comes. Or it does come, and it’s sharper than you expected, and you realize how much of your life has been built around avoiding that exact sharpness, and you sit with the urge to type “sorry” anyway, just to make it stop, and you don’t, and you watch what happens next.
References
Brown, L. (2026, January 10). 8 things you should never apologize for, no matter what anyone says. Silicon Canals.https://siliconcanals.com/gen-bt-8-things-you-should-never-apologize-for-no-matter-what-anyone-says/
Forster, D. E., et al. (2021). Experimental evidence that apologies promote forgiveness by communicating relationship value. Scientific Reports.
DOI: https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-021-92373-y
Gao, S., et al. (2022). Verbal or Written? The Impact of Apology on the Repair of Trust Based on Competence and Integrity. Frontiers in Psychology.
DOI: https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.884867
Mu, F. (2019). Why did I say sorry? Apology motives and transgressor perceptions of reconciliation. Journal of Organizational Behavior.
DOI: https://doi.org/10.1002/job.2376
Schumann, K., & Ross, M. (2010). Why women apologize more than men: Gender differences in thresholds for perceiving offensive behavior. Psychological Science.
DOI: https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797610384150
Schumann, K., Ritchie, E. G., & Forest, A. (2023). The Social Consequences of Frequent Versus Infrequent Apologizing. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
DOI: https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672211065286
Yuan, B., Dong, Y., & Li, W. (2017). The trust repair effect of apology: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Advances in Psychological Science.
DOI: https://doi.org/10.3724/SP.J.1042.2017.01103
American Psychological Association. (2025, July 2). The benefits of better boundaries in clinical practice.https://www.apa.org/topics/psychotherapy/better-boundaries-clinical-practice
